Blue

I've been lingering over thoughts of an old friend. A good friend. More time spent together than can be calculated. But I've been turning from the relationship. Have to turn. It wasn't healthy. I didn't llike who I was turning into with her. Someone I don't want to become. To many negative feelings.

I was okay moving on until she was the topic of a long discussion. I fell into gossip and wanted to know more. Wanted to know what she thought and said. But it just hurts. More than anything why didn't she ask me what happened? Could she really care about us if she never asks? In my heart I know that she would never ask without being prompted. Our mutual friend told her to call me, but instead she sends an email, says she's here for me, misses me.

She feels like a list of transgressions. I don't keep track. I can't get this list out of my head. When I see her, she is the list.

This is so unhealthy, but I almost want to conduct an experiment with this relationship and act as though absolutely nothing is wrong. It's more of a social experiment to see her response. Kind of like throwing out a fishing line....